Curiosities

It's easy to tell when you have a great roll—the dice will be cooked.
Never give a cube you're afraid will be taken.
Buying your opponent drinks is the best investment you'll ever make.
No cube is too big if the stakes are too low.
The secret of success is to always play worse players (and roll great).
It's easy to make a great play: just think of a really dumb play, and do the opposite.
He who bears off last, laughs last.
I like opponents who have courtesy and cash.
If you want to really bore someone, tell them all about your bad rolls.
The shortest distance between two points is a drop.
You are most likely to win back games when it's your opponent who is playing them.
If you want someone to really hate you, right after you win a game, point out what they did wrong.
Anyone who isn't superstitous hasn't played backgammon.
When the match is over, everyone thinks they rolled worse.
If two players break even, they will both be pissed.
Every roll makes somebody happy.
Nobody really feels sorry for the other guy when he loses.
It is better to cube too late than too early.
If you are consistently unlucky, it probably isn't the dice at all.
If you are playing this game for a living, you ain't living.

Call his worst rolls for him.
Call your second best roll, and if you roll your best roll, complain.
If he wins a game or match, tell him how lucky he was.
If you win a game or match, tell him how amazing it was you won with all those bad rolls.
Whenever he's thinking about a tough play, or counting pips, tap the table impatiently, sigh heavily, and keep shaking your dice to distract him.
Whenever you get a perfect roll that closes him out or ends the game, pretend you don't see it right away and make the play very slowly, acting like you're thinking about doing something else.
Whenever he makes a daring play, like leaving a voluntary shot, or gambling for a G instead of doubling, and it doesn't work—be sure to tell him you wouldn't have done that.
If you gammon him, tell him he was very lucky not to get backgammoned.
Whenever he rolls a repeater, even if it's a terrible roll, remind him that he really should shake his dice.
Yell "YES!" whenever he rolls a really bad roll.
Especially if you are playing with his board, eat something really messy while you play and drip food all over the checkers and the board. (If you smoke, ashes look lovely on an opponent's board.)
Whenever he has a forced play, tell him it's forced and move his checkers for him.
And lastly, if you win, be sure to report it to the tournament director in the loudest possible voice.

I can guarantee you that if you use the above strategies two things are certain:

Nobody Wants Advice

Some people ask you for advice,
when what they really want is approval.

There are people that ask you for advice,
but what they really want is a chance to complain.

Some people ask you for advice,
when they really don’t want you to do anything but listen.

There are those who ask you for advice,
When they are actually looking to have you to blame if things go wrong.

But once in a while; once in a great while,
someone may ask you for advice because they really want your advice.
When that happens, RUN!

I gently offer you the cube with the utmost respect / Hoping you will choke on it and die.

Watching the dice come up cocked / Very much like my first marriage.

Your disgustingly slow play will not disturb my inner tranquility / I recite this mantra as I plan his dismemberment.

Whether to make his 5 point or mine / Wishing I could flip a coin so no one could see.

Please tell me how lucky I am one more time / Let me show you what hot coffee feels like.

Tell me again how the dice on line are fair / Tell me again where Santa Claus lives.

The joy of making the prime / A feeling not unlike a successful visit to the bathroom.

Watching him gammon me with that smirk on his face / Wishing I had a gun.

How hard can it be to keep the dice on the table? / Wondering how this man can drive a car.

Yes, yes, I know. Yes, it was a good game. Yes, it is fun when you win a gammon, isn’t it?